Growing up the only thing people always pointed out was how smart I was. Not even as a kid I was told that I was cute, never. The older I got the more it started to affected me, the lack of compliments over my appearance. Sure I was smart, but why was it the only thing the others always seemed to noticed. Was it the only thing they could compliment me on or what? I think it was in 9th grade it started washing over me, these thoughts that I was ugly. Continue Reading
Have you ever felt completely lost? Like you you’ve chased after one thing your whole life and basically shaped every decision around it only to realize that’s it’s not the thing you really like? So you just sits there without anything to fight for anymore or any idea what to do now.
This happen to me a few weeks ago, and as someone who suffers from anxiety from time to time it wrecked my life. All my life I’d this goal, this one thing that was my reason to keep going, and with it gone what’s left to fight for?
At this point I got anxiety over every single thing my mind could think about. it became a daily mantra to have my brain constantly picking myself apart and to be on Facebook to further beat myself up. It was everything from what a loser I was for never gained any friends to how ugly and stupid I was. It came to that point that I bitterly regretted the last three years of my life. Every decision that has taken me to this point. Had I known that my life would turn out like this I would have spent less time at being the perfect student and instead spent the time on being the cool, popular girl that everyone likes. If that I had done that I wouldn’t feel stuck and suicidal.
So what changed, how come I’m still here? Well during one of my many late night scrolling through the web I stumbled over a blog named http://littlethoughtsblog.com/. I don’t know how I ended up on it but it opened up my eyes. I can’t go back and change what has been, and the things I’ve been through. But I can share my thoughts and feelings with people, people who will understand what I’ve gone through. I can finally get a chance to try to find whom I really am, and who I want to be. I’m not a lost cause, I just need time to be myself without the pressure of being “perfect”. Just a place to write whatever comes into my head.
And what’s a better place to do it than sharing my thoughts and feelings with random people on the internet?
I’m not sure where this journey will take me, where I will end up or who I will be. But if you like to go on this journey with me and experience every twist and turn on the way, your welcome to continue reading. Every upside and downside until I find a life I’m happy with.